Howdy, my name is Roger Ailes and I would like to personally welcome you the the Fox News Family. As the Head of Fox News it has been my passion to purge from our news rooms anyone who calls themselves a Journalist. We do not hire, nor will we tolerate, anybody of that persuasion.
At Fox News, we're still hiring and expanding our coverage, just not with journalist and that goes for any of you youngsters who even set foot in a journalism class. In fact, as my good friend and former boss, ol' 41 was heard saying Fox News is the most trusted sources of news in America today, and we plan to stay that way - by being journalist free.
Now as the most successful media executive of the last 10 years, I think I know a little bit about what makes a good news channel, and it's not one that hires or utilizes the liberal bias of a journalist.
So welcome to Fox News, you Texas A&M graduates you can go right in since your school was smart enough to do away with its journalism department, so y'all are pure as snow flakes.
For the rest of you, we will need to ask a few questions before we can let you in.
Do you go to church?
Are you now or have you ever been a pagan?
Are you an environmentalist?
How many Gods do you have?
Do you think you are God?
Do you revere Chuck Norris?
If you pass, welcome to Fox News please join the Aggies for some tea, and if you don't? Out of my sight you environmentalist agnostic atheist pagan!
Words in blue - those used in The Eagle story
Words in green from PDF
PS for those that can't see satire, this is satire.